Joke Of The Week

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? … You didn’t have that before.” “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? … What happened to your hand?” The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really..”

“What about that eye patch?” “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over … I looked up, and one of them sh_t in my eye. “You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird sh_t.” “Well It was my first day with the hook” …

2 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”


  1. 1 Tom Ryan Jan 6th, 2018 at 2:25 pm

    A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. Looking for money and guns, he only finds a couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, ‘Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. He must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.’
    To which the wife responds, ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too.’

    ************************************************************

    A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly cheque. He marches straight up to the counter and says, ‘Hi. You know I just hate coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I’d much rather have a job.’
    The social worker behind the counter says, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her holiday trips overseas. You’ll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.
    The guy says, ‘ You’re bullshitting me!’
    The social worker says, ‘ Yeah, but you started it.’

    **************************************************************

    There’s this man with a bald head and wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and leg, so he writes a letter to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
    A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: ‘Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you’ll be just right as a pirate.’
    The man thinks this is terrible because they’ve just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
    A week passes and he gets another parcel and a note which says: ‘Dear Sir, Sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you’ll really look the part.’
    Now the man is really annoyed, since they’ve gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.
    The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: ‘Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!’

  2. 2 BOSS HAWG Jan 7th, 2018 at 9:29 am

    Good ones guys!

    Boss Hawg

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