Christmas Dinner Story

“As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
 fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
t hem.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because 
every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his 
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
 went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at
 Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse 
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’
’ You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the 
inflatable doll section.

 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
 as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush

Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different
 models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
 things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable
 Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to 

 My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning 

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
 with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
 what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and 
giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house 
and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog 
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of 
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional 
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the 
hell is that?’ she asked.

 My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

’Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

 I kept my mouth shut.

 “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. 

’Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Jay said, to steer her into the
 dining room.

 But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’

 Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one 
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
 and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’ I told him she was
 Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
 Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this 
might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who 
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise 
like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
 mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
 sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
 Grandpa ran across the room,  fell to his knees, and began administering 
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

 My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. 

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
 Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had
 suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
 perfect health..

I can’t wait until next Christmas.”  Anonymous

4 Responses to “Christmas Dinner Story”

  1. 1 David King Dec 22nd, 2016 at 9:42 am

    Merry Christmas, Cyril. All the best for a fantastic 2017!

  2. 2 burnout Dec 22nd, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    Have a great Christmas Sir Huze and a awesome New Year!! peace

  3. 3 Roberto Dec 24th, 2016 at 2:54 am

    Love it….Happy Christmas.

  4. 4 Doc Dec 26th, 2016 at 10:17 am

    I sure hope Grandpa didn’t ask for a “Bl—–Job” or any reference like that just before that ember hit. Best of everything to you and yours Cyril. Everyone at Doc’s Choppers & Customs in MN

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