Joke Of The Week

cyril-huze-joke44An  80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a  sperm count as part of his physical exam. The  doctor gave the man a jar and said “‘Take this jar home  and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 80-year-old man  reappeared at the  doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as  clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the  man explained,  ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right  hand, but nothing.  Then I triedwith my left  hand, but still nothing.  ‘Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right  hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried  with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her  teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the  lady next door and she tried  too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and  she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees,  but still nothing…..’

The doctor was  shocked!’ You  asked  your neighbor?’ The  old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

6 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”

  1. 1 fuji Feb 27th, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    Romantic Text Message

    An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell
    The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense
    One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message
    If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
    If you are laughing, send me your smile.
    If you are eating, send me a bite.
    If you are drinking, send me a sip.
    If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

    The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

  2. 2 nicker Feb 27th, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    A biker and his girlfriend came away form a garage-sale with a vintage brass lamp.
    While polishing the lamp at home the girlfriend unlocks a female Genie trapped inside.
    The two girls quickly bond. After some time the conversation, as usual, turns to “relationships.”

    At this juncture the girlfriend elaborates on the long, prefect relationship she has with her man.
    Wanting to share the joy, the Genie suggests she reward the biker with one “free wish.”

    They interrupt the biker as he is engrossed in the photo-shoot proofs of his latest custom build and several bikini-clad models. Startled by this a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind: …… “I wish I had an old-lady half my age.”

    Both girls recoil in horror.
    In an instant the enraged Genie transforms the biker into a 94 year old relic of his former self.

    I’m guessing there are several lessons one can learn form this sad tail, like:
    “Never try any serious thinking when one or both of your heads are swollen.”
    “Everything that looks like a garage-sale ‘deal’ isn’t.”

    But i’ll leave you to come up with your own………… 🙂


  3. 3 USAYGO Feb 28th, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    A man received the following text from his neighbor:

    I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
    I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.
    In fact, more than you.
    I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse.
    I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
    apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

    The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
    and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

    A few moments later, a second text came in:

    Damn autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.

  4. 4 USAYGO Feb 28th, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

    “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
    Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.

    The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth
    and uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax,
    and………OH… MY GOD!”

    Silence followed. Then, some few moments later, the
    captain came back on the intercom, and said: “Ladies and
    Gentlemen, I am very sorry if I scared you. But, while I was talking to you, a
    flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee onto my lap. You should see the front of
    my pants!”

    From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled,

    “For the luvva Jaysus you should see the back of mine!”

  5. 5 Olive Oil Feb 28th, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

    “No,” said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

    She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

    “Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice..

    She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

    “Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

    “No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied…………

    “Go look in the garage,”

  6. 6 Olive Oil Feb 28th, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one
    afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

    “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a
    vacation. Only this year I’m gonna Do it different. The last few years, I
    took your advice about where to go.

    Three years ago you said to go to
    Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got
    Pregnant. Then two years ago, you
    told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene
    Got pregnant again. Last year you
    suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene
    Didn’t get pregnant again.”

    Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you
    gonna do this year that’s different?”

    “I’m taking Earlene with me”.

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